The Case for Self-Love and Compassion

If the mistakes we made as children were met with unhealthy responses, we likely didn’t develop an internal mechanism to accept our humanness or learn resolve our mistakes in a healthy way. Consequently, we weren’t able to develop a loving, compassionate relationship with ourselves with regard to our missteps along the way. I know this is true for me.

As a result, later in life, I experienced great pain every time I saw–or someone else pointed out–that I’d made a mistake. I tend to say that I’m the worst person in the world, and I don’t deserve to be forgiven. Clearly, this is not a healthy way to deal with the inevitable mistakes in life.

What do I need to do? Well, I acknowledge that my motivation is to avoid pain. Once I put on my big girl pants, I can resolve to change my dysfunctional ways.

Growing up under constant condemnation, I tried really hard to do things perfectly. I’ve come, finally, to realize that I couldn’t, no matter how hard I tied; but I’m doing the often hard work necessary to attain a healthy self-concept.

Suggestions I’ve found–and have been trying–include these:

1. Say “stop” to my inner critic. “No, no, no! We’re not going there!” or some other word or phrase that stops that train of thought, and refocus on something positive.
2. Use healthier motivation habits. Remind myself of the benefits of what I’m trying to accomplish.
3. Take a two-minute self-appreciation break a couple of times a day. I set the alarm on my phone, and when it sounds, I take a deep breath, slow down and ask, “What are three things I can appreciate about myself?”
4. Write down three things in the morning that I can appreciate about myself, in my journal. A benefit to writing it down is that after a few weeks I can read through all the answers to get a good self-esteem boost and change in perspective on days when I need it the most.
5. Do the right thing. When I do what I know deep down is the right thing to do, I raise and strengthen my self-esteem. Most recently, it has been taking the dog out for a mile-long constitutional as soon as I’ve brushed my hair and teeth and gotten dressed. If I don’t roll right out of bed, she gets antsy, which is an added motivation!
6. Replace the perfectionism. Few of my thought habits have been as destructive in daily life as perfectionism. I’m going for good enough.
7. Handle mistakes and failures in a more positive way. I make a real effort to go outside my comfort zone occasionally, trying to accomplish something that is truly meaningful. I accept the fact that it means that I will inevitably stumble. I’m recognizing that it is normal. It is what people who’ve done something truly significant have done all along, even though we never hear much about their failures. I’m trying to be my own best friend, when I take those missteps, talking to myself like a true friend would. How can I support and help myself in this situation?
8. Find the upside. Focus on optimism and opportunities. What is one thing I can learn from this? What is an opportunity I can find in this situation?
9. Try something new. I choose to challenge myself in a small way. I don’t expect anything. I just tell myself that I will try something out. Then I do the same thing a few more times. By improving my performance, my opinion of myself goes up.
10. Stop falling into the comparison trap, because I can never win. There is always someone who has more or is better than I am at something in the world. Instead, look at how far I have come. I am cultivating an attitude of gratitude.
11. Spend more time with positive, supportive people, and less time with negative, destructive people. Also, I think about what I read, listen to and watch in the same way, with an eye toward building myself up rather than making myself feel less valuable.

It may be that you find yourself–like I did–in a relationship with significant others who employs narcissistic defenses to deal with his (or her) own residual childhood stuff. It’s just a theory, but it seems to me that there are inordinate number of us self-contemptuous people (living with narcissists) among the population having weight issues.

There are some red flags to consider. Does it seem that the other person feels immune from making mistakes? Does he or she try to control everything, and then blame you for everything that goes wrong? Do you sometimes feel intimidated by him/her? Do you generally give up or give in because if you don’t, there will be no peace until you do?

If you’re beginning to feel uncomfortable with this line of questioning, you may be thinking about blaming yourself for your cowardice. “If I would just stand up for myself…,” you say. Stop that right now! I even had a counselors tell me that all I needed to do was to stand up for myself. Of course, she didn’t know what erupted when I tried it.

Consider that it may not be possible for that person to see you as an individual in your own right, but as an extension of him- or herself. Really think about it. If your life isn’t really your own, it may call for drastic action for you to get it back. It most certainly won’t be easy, trust me. But are you really willing to give someone else that much power over your life?

I know I tried very hard to understand why he was the way he was, but because he never wanted to talk about it, and became angry when I asked, I can only guess. As a child, he may frequently have felt threatened, and developed a dysfunctional response to perceived danger, threat or stress. His coping mechanism may have caused him to react in such a volatile way. His childhood experiences may have resulted in  his difficulty controlling his emotions, and, perhaps, brought on his exaggerated fight response (of the physiological fight-or-flight response to threats). I’ll never know for sure.

The point is, it doesn’t matter. Thankful to have recognized and begun to deal with this pattern of mine (which has caused significant difficulties in so many relationships, including the one that I have with myself), I see more clearly that I must have compassion for myself. It’s too important to the new life I’m constructing as a healthy-weight person for me to give up.

Hence, this post. It’s my declaration of intent (to stop my inner critic, replace the perfectionism, handle mistakes in a positive way, find the upside) by trying something new and scary. I hope it helps you in some way, too.

The Case for 10,000 Steps a Day

If you take 10,000 steps a day, you will lose weight. I know, I know. It sounds like a whole lot of walking. In fact, it actually takes an hour and a half of brisk walking to reach the target. The good news, though, is that it’s not as hard as it sounds. Getting your mindset right is probably the most difficult part. To help with that, think about the health benefits you will accrue, especially if you walk outdoors. Besides getting the blood pumping, it provides your lungs with the fresh air they crave, it tones your muscles, and it refreshes your skin, to say nothing about putting you in a more positive frame of mind. If you take 10,000 steps a day, you will lose weight. I know, I know. It sounds like a whole lot of walking. In fact, it actually takes an hour and a half of brisk walking to reach the target.

The good news, though, is that it’s not as hard as it sounds. Getting your mindset right is probably the most difficult part. To help with that, think about the health benefits you will accrue, especially if you walk outdoors. Besides getting the blood pumping, it provides your lungs with the fresh air they crave, it tones your muscles, and it refreshes your skin, to say nothing about putting you in a more positive frame of mind. Clearly, since walking is not as intensive as jogging, for example,you have to walk longer to burn the same number of calories. During 30 minutes of walking, you would normally take about 4,000 steps, and burn about 200 calories. If you want to lose weight, you should elevate your heart rate to the point that you burn fat.

But nobody’s telling you that you have to walk an hour and a half all at once. Think about taking a walk the first thing in the morning, another bit during your lunch break, and finish off after dinner. If you live close enough, you might think about walking to work and back.

I use my phone as a pedometer, carrying it in my back pocket so it’s more likely to recognize my steps than it would in my purse. You can buy a pedometer or fitbit or whatever. I like using my phone, because it keeps track of other health-related things, too, and logs steps and distance for me automatically, over time. I can check my progress any time I want to, and use the data it collects to tweak my routines.

I become more intentional about walking more, taking the stairs instead of the elevator, for example, parking at the far end of the lot, or walking to the grocery store when I just need a couple of items. As the number of steps in my routine increases day by day, my mindset becomes more positive and increased movement a good habit.

There are some tips I would share for your walking. They include building up your walking time gradually (my doggie, overweight and out of shape as I am, has ensured this in my practice), walking regularly (Sonya, my dog, has also helped with this. She is tail-wagging happy to get out first thing in the morning for our time together), wearing comfortable shoes (I made the mistake of wearing sandals one day, and ended up with blisters the next), maintain a fairly fast pace, so you don’t end up having to spend so very much time doing this thing, walk 30 to 90 minutes a day (I’m currently up to about 45 minutes), use good posture, and tense your abdominal muscles to train them, too. (I wear a somewhat tight-fitting shirt, which makes me aware of my “love handles” and encourages me to “suck in my gut” and trains my abdominal muscles), and probably more important than you realize, enjoy your walk! Look around, appreciate the birds singing and breathe the fresh air. You can make walking more pleasant by taking time to appreciate the sights and sounds around you. After a few weeks, you and others will notice that you feel–and look–more slender and healthy.

Walking rocks! It’s easy, free, and available to everybody. Besides that, it strengthens your heart, reducing your risk of heart disease and stroke. It lowers (bad) LDL cholesterol and increases the (good) HDL.

A brisk 30-minute walk every day helps to prevent and control the high blood pressure that causes strokes, and reduces the risk by as much as 27%. It lowers the risk of diseases like adult-onset diabetes by 60%, and colon, breast, or uterine cancer by 20%.

It also decreases the risk of dementia, tones up your body, and boosts Vitamin D, which affects bone health and immune system function. It boosts circulation and increases the oxygen supply to your body’s cells, giving your greater energy.

Finally, it boosts your feelings of well-being. It may just be that walking could replace antidepressants in treating mild to moderate cases of depression, because of the endorphins released during your walk. It reduces stress and anxiety.

I think I’ve made the case for walking. What more could you possibly ask for? You CAN do it!

My Sweet Deal

A couple of times last week, my two-year-old granddaughter came knocking on my door. (I live in a 504′ wee house at the back of my son’s property.) The first time, she was carrying her jack-in-the-box, wanting me to play and sing with her. Her older sisters had been busy with something else, and she came in search of someone with the time and inclination to help her. She has a tough time getting Jack’s jester’s cap with all its tassels back into the box. I didn’t remember whether it was “all around the vinegar jug” or “all around the mulberry bush” that the monkey chased the weasel, but it didn’t matter to her, so we sang it both ways. About an hour later, she’d had her quota of “G’ma time,” and was ready to go home for lunch. The second time, she had her breakfast cereal in her bowl, and informed me that she wanted to have breakfast with me.

The point of my telling this is that warmed my heart to think that this precious little one wanted to spend time with me. She knows that I love her, that I am seldom too busy for her, that I encourage her, and that to me, she’s something special.

That said, it occurred to me that that’s probably what God feels like when I want to spend time with him! I shared that thought with a friend, who added that she thinks our human relationships were designed to mirror spiritual relationships, but because of our fallen nature, they frequently don’t do that well.

In my own case, I know that my relationship with Dad gave me a skewed view of my relationship with Abba Father. My father was a pastor, very dedicated to his work. He cared deeply about his parishioners, and poured himself out on their behalf. Because of that, though, he didn’t have the time for me that I wished him to have, and that, in turn, translated to my belief that God, my heavenly father, also had far too many more needy people and more important things to take care of than me. I felt that he was unavailable to me because I wasn’t high on his list of priorities.

Now, in my head, I know that’s not true. The Bible says exactly the opposite, in fact. However, since my experience told me otherwise, and God, always the gentleman, didn’t try to force himself on me, it took me a long time to come to the realization of the truth. Rather than forcing me to love him, Abba gave me the time and space I needed to realize for myself how important I am to him, and how much I want to spend time with him as a result.

I’m thankful today, more than ever, for the object lessons brought to me because of the sweet deal I have, living so close to this part of my family.

Beyond Willpower

Few of us like change. Some of the reasons for that fact include fear of failure, emotional connection with people who prefer the status quo, seeing the inherent risks of change as greater than the perceived risks of staying the same, not having models for the new thing/way of being, feeling threatened about self-image, not wanting to expend the energy/time/money/work to learn something new, or just feeling overwhelmed by the prospect. Why not just tough it out by sheer willpower?

First of all, it requires a great deal of effort before we are able to establish new, automatic, positive habits. We have to fight our natural inclinations in the present moment in favor of the long-term rewards. So, we have to construct some kind of work-around. Something like positive rituals, for example, in which you practice intentional behaviors at precisely scheduled times, in order to make them habits in as little time–and therefore, as painlessly–as possible.

How can you change your habits by using positive rituals? It is critically important that you understand the positive value of the habit you want to establish, and it has to be personally important to you. There will be work involved, so you have to be completely and totally invested in it, or you won’t do it. Your goal needs to be something tangible. I love sticker charts, and find them surprisingly motivating. I decided I want to take the dog for a mile long walk every morning that the weather permits it. (Living in South Carolina, this means getting out of the house early enough to ensure returning home before the temperature breaks eighty. In July, I have to be home before seven o’clock, if I don’t want to be sweat-drenched before I leave the house.) When we walk in the front door, I put a sticker in a poster board sticker chart square. Instant gratification!

Giving myself a clear time-frame, I remember that it takes at least three weeks to establish a new habit, so I make sure that my poster board chart has more than twenty-one squares, sticker-ready. My design for establishing a positive ritual for my morning constitutional involved identifying the flow of events that lead me to the action I want to establish as a habit. My routine of events lead, step by step, to the start of the action that is to become a habit.

I use my senses to make the ritual rich, because they help to make it meaningful. The steps for my early morning walk are as follows:  is rolling out of bed when the alarm sounds, making the bed, going to the bathroom and brushing my hair and teeth, getting dressed in comfortable walking clothes, slicing a lime for my water bottle and filling it with water, and putting on my walking shoes. (It didn’t take the dog very long to figure out exactly what is next, when I sit down to put on my shoes!) I put my cell phone in my back pocket and house keys in my front, grab the leash and get a couple of bags for the inevitable poop scooping, and walk to the front door. Sonya’s there waiting for me. In this example, I’ve used just about all the senses to establish a rich ritual.

Don’t hesitate to talk about it. Giving voice to our ideas fires up our brains, and gives us a sense of ownership. It’s your idea, after all, to do this new, good thing. Every time you explain to someone else why the new habit is important, you are adding to your own motivation, and convincing yourself at the same time.

The habits we’re building grow with increased knowledge. Read about it. If you’re making a daily walk your new habit, like I am, reading about other people’s experiences can inspire you. There are incredible numbers of books, online articles, and even television shows that can fuel your habit. It is especially useful to watch or read just before you go to sleep, in order to prepare for the action the next day.

If you want to add a social component to your new habit, find other people who want to make the same kinds of habits that you do, and do the activities together. The combined energy helps to cement the habit, and increases commitment. Since I’m kind of a solitary soul, I rely on the company of my dog. She doesn’t require much in the way of conversation, but has come to expect her morning walk with me. On occasion, this has guilted me into walking when I hadn’t really felt like doing it.

Reporting daily on your progress makes you accountable, and is very motivating. As I mentioned, I rely heavily on my sticker chart. Since I am a long-time journaler, I also document my progress in establishing my new habit in my daily writing. I write down how I feel, including all the pluses and minuses. This morning, for example, I wrote about how annoying I found it to have returned home before seven, already feeling steamy and needing a shower. I also wrote about my idea to walk during the summer for shorter distances, but twice a day instead of just in the morning, as another example. I haven’t decided yet, but it’s something I’ve been thinking about all day. That’s certainly contributing to the importance of my habit in my own mind.

Finally, be fully engaged. Align your whole being–mind, body, soul, and spirit–with your action. This is the surest way to find success.

How to Make a Healthy Lifestyle at a Goal Weight Habitual

When it comes to being successful at maintaining an ideal weight, it all really comes down to three things: (1) habits, (2) discipline, and (3) consistency.

That’s all there is to it. That’s what every person successfully maintaining a significant weight loss has mastered. They’ve made it a daily habit, they’ve become disciplined about it, and they’ve done it consistently enough to have made major progress in establishing a healthy lifestyle. Success is really simple when you break it all down.

While each person’s success will have been achieved through different actions and activities, the core of their success always comes down to habits, discipline and consistency.  The problem is that most people aren’t very habitual or consistent, and they frequently lack discipline for doing what really matters, and what will really move them forward in life. Can you relate?

I used to relate to that. I had zero discipline or habit when it came to my eating or exercise. And don’t even get me started on being consistent, unless you count my consistent inconsistency. But then, I started to think about the things that I do have habit, discipline and consistency around. The truth is that we all have habits, discipline and consistency with some things. Think about it for a minute. What are those things for you?

The problem for many of us is that it’s not always the things we want to have them around. I don’t have any problem brushing my teeth twice a day, for example, because it’s a habit for me. The difficulty I discovered after getting to my goal weight, though, is that I thought that once I was here, I wouldn’t need to think about what foods I was buying, cooking and eating, or how much I was moving. That couldn’t be further from the truth, however.

What I discovered is that I needed to embrace those new habits, discipline, and consistency, in order to actually sustain my new, healthy weight. Sometimes, the thing you’re avoiding gets so painful that you’re basically forced into changing. It’s the thing that got you started on your weight loss journey. For some people, it’s a life-threatening diagnosis. For others, it’s a photograph someone snapped on a recent vacation and posted on Facebook. It might be that nice flight attendant offering to get you a seat belt extender. What was it for you? Its memory is what will keep you there.

The discipline you had with losing weight can be used for anything you want to turn into a habit, including your healthy lifestyle. Figure out what you did to make it happen. If you think about it, you’ll realize that it came down to these things: decision, commitment, triggers, your “why,” and keeping going.

Deciding. I made the decision that never again would I allow my weight to creep up, and if telling myself “No!” to temptations was the one thing that would stop me, I was going to do it, and do it daily.

Committing. Once the decision was made, I committed to it fully, all-in. I’m not going to give up, and I’m committed to making it happen, no matter what.

Giving myself a trigger. I created reminder triggers to help me, to make it easier to follow through. I had a friend take a picture of me at my goal weight. I copied it to the cover picture on my Facebook page. I printed it out and put it on the refrigerator next to my weight graph, and on the magnetic board next to my front door. This made it much easier for me to actually follow through, because I had a reminder every time I went to the kitchen or out the front door of my desire to eat good food and become more active.

Remembering the “why.”  In the beginning, when it wasn’t yet a fixed habit to eat healthfully or to be more active, I had to remind myself of why I was doing this and why I wanted to create this habit. The why of what you’re doing is so important because it will keep you motivated and will help you push through when things get tough or when you “don’t feel like it.”

Keep going. When I first started weight loss maintenance, it was definitely a challenge, because I was still struggling with the idea that I could go back to my old ways. I hadn’t yet been living a healthy lifestyle long enough to see the full benefits from it. When you’re not seeing the results or benefits right away, it can be difficult to keep going, but that’s what you have to do. If you fall off track for a day or two, don’t make a big deal about it, just get back to it as soon as you can.

The biggest problem with creating habits and being disciplined is that often when you fall off track you make it mean something it doesn’t mean. You’ll say it’s because you can’t do it, or you’re not good enough, or whatever, but it truly has nothing to do with that! It’s just not a habit yet. Once it is, you’ll do it so automatically that you won’t have to even think about it. So get back to it as soon as you can and then keep going.

If you follow these five steps, you can make a habit and create discipline around pretty much anything, whether that’s becoming more active, eating only delicious, healthy foods, or flossing your teeth.

Don’t fall for the fear that making something a habit or being disciplined will take away your freedom, because that couldn’t be further from the truth. Discipline creates freedom, because once something is automatic, your mind is freed up from having to think about it or worry about its getting done. When you’ve made it a habit, it always gets done, even in the midst of life chaos or being busy.

What? Me…righteous?

I was thinking this morning about Andrew Farley’s The Naked Gospel, and his repeated assertions that in Christ, we Christians are “righteous.” For years, I’ve struggled with what, exactly, that means. The word itself gives me trouble. It has always seemed presumptuous, and even arrogant, to think that it applies to me, even though I know that’s what Scripture says. I just have trouble feeling it.

For years, I’ve struggled with what, exactly, being righteous means. It has always seemed presumptuous, and even arrogant, to say nothing of a whole lot of hard work, to think that I am righteous. I decided to go straight to the source of my confusion: the definition of the word.

According to dictionary.com, as an adjective, “righteous” means one of these four things: (1) characterized by uprightness or morality (for example, a righteous observance of the law); (2) morally right or justifiable (for example, righteous indignation); (3) acting in an upright, moral way, or virtuous (for example, a righteous and godly person); or (4) as a slang term, absolutely genuine or wonderful (for example, some righteous playing by a jazz great).

Unfortunately, I don’t feel like I measure up to any of those things, especially if I attach the connotations to it that its synonyms suggest.

At thesaurus.com, the news becomes even more bleak. Synonyms for “righteous” included the following: good, honest, conscientious, ethical, honorable, law-abiding, noble, pure, spiritual, upright, virtuous, angelic, blameless, charitable, commendable, creditable, deserving, devoted, devout, dutiful, equitable, exemplary, fair, faithful, godlike, guiltless, holy, impartial, innocent, irreproachable, just, laudable, matchless, meritorious, moral, peerless, philanthropic, philanthropical, praiseworthy, punctilious, reverent, right-minded, saintly, scrupulous, sinless, sterling, trustworthy, and worthy.

Nope. No me here, either.

So, finally, I went to Vine’s Complete Expository Dictionary of Old and New Testament Words for further clarification, trying to figure out why it’s so hard for me to reconcile “the truth” with what I feel.

Here is what I found: “‘…for the most part he [Paul] uses it [righteousness] of that gracious gift of God to men whereby all who believe on the Lord Jesus Christ are brought into right relationship with God. The righteousness is unattainable by obedience to any law, or by any merit of man’s own, or any other condition than that of faith in Christ…The man who trusts in Christ becomes “the righteousness of God in Him,” 2 Cor. 5:21, i.e., becomes in Christ all that God requires a man to be, all that he could never be in himself. Because Abraham accepted the Word of God, making it his own by that act of the mind and spirit which is called faith, and, as the sequel showed, submitting himself to its control, therefore God accepted him as one who fulfilled the whole of His requirements, Rom. 4:3…”‘”

Ah! Right standing with God. Who gets to decide whether I’m in right standing with God? God, of course. The point is that God did what I couldn’t do, no matter how hard I may or may not have tried. When he had done it, he made the pronouncement, “Maryann, you and I are good. You’re in good standing with me.” How’s that for good news? Suddenly, I feel the shift from head knowledge to deep, heart knowledge.

In Ephesians 6, there’s instruction about how, in this world, to stand against the lies with which the enemy of our souls attacks us. Verse 14 says, “Stand therefore, and fasten the belt of truth around your waist, and put on the breastplate of righteousness.” In other words, we fasten truth around us and protect ourselves from a frontal attack–an attack on our hearts–with the righteousness we possess because of our position in Christ.

Second Corinthians 5:21 says, “For our sake he [God] made him [Jesus] to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him [Jesus] we might become the righteousness of God.”

Once that idea dawned on me, I had to know what further light other references might shed. I wanted to know for sure that I wasn’t jumping to an erroneous conclusion.

Here’s the definition Thomas Nelson Publishers’ Compact Bible Dictionary gives:  “Holy and upright living in accordance with God’s standard. The word ‘righteousness’ comes from a root word that means ‘straightness.’ It refers to a state that conforms to an authoritative standard. Righteousness is a moral concept. God’s character is the definition and source of all righteousness (Gen. 18:25; Rom. 9:14). Therefore, the righteousness of human beings is defined in terms of God’s.

“In the Old Testament, the term ‘righteousness’ is used to define our relationship with God (Ps. 50:6; Jer. 9:24) and with other people (Jer. 22:3). In the context of relationships, righteous action is action that promotes the peace and well-being of human beings in their relationships to one another.

“Sin is disobedience to the terms that define our relationship with God and with other people. Since the fall in the Garden of Eden, people have been inherently unrighteous. We cannot be righteous in the sight of God on our own merits. Therefore, people must have God’s righteousness imputed, or transferred, to them.

“The cross of Jesus is a public demonstration of God’s righteousness. God accounts or transfers the righteousness of Christ to those who trust in Him (Rom. 4:3-22; Phil. 3:9). We do not become righteous because of our inherent goodness; God sees us as righteous because of our identification by faith with His Son.”

If God has declared me righteous–and he has–I can accept that I am in right standing with God. That doesn’t sound prideful. I can buy into that, and accept it as fact, because God is the only one who can legitimately make that determination. If he says it’s true, then it’s true. What a relief!

Turns out, then, that I’m the king’s kid. I’m not just adopted, a ragtag little girl that the royal family feels sorry for. Rather, I’ve been reborn into the royal family, and I gratefully accept all the benefits of my station. I have the best of everything, including the best parent it is possible to have. He loves me. He protects me. He guides me. He wants me to spend time with me. He disciplines me, in order to make me better–more like him. He is kind and compassionate toward me. He knows me better than I know myself. He understands me. He teaches me. He respects me. He gives me the advantage of his amazing knowledge and wisdom for living in this world. I accept my gifts with gratitude, and I use them. I don’t have to hoard them, because there are always more good things coming into my life. He dotes on me. That’s just the way my daddy is.

Overcoming my Fear

Today I write about all the fears I have with regard to my writing life, my writing dream, and my writing project(s). I think they mirror my fears about life, in general.

What am I afraid of? I am afraid that fellow Christians will be offended by my pointing out their hypocrisies. I am afraid that they will ex-communicate me. I’m afraid that my friends will turn against me, that I will lose that particular “tribe” that I’ve had all my life. I’m afraid that I will do harm to the reputation of the  church in which I grew up, and I don’t want to do that; they are way better than they used to be.

What else am I afraid of? I’m afraid of making a lot of money. I’m afraid to go out there and meet new people. I’m afraid to network. I feel inadequate socially. I’m afraid that I’ll look like a Rube. I’m afraid of the unknown. I’m afraid that I’m not good enough. I’m afraid that I’ll fail. I’m afraid of technology, and I’m afraid of exposing my vulnerability in that regard. I’m afraid of people taking advantage of me because of what I don’t know. I’m afraid I’ll make wrong decisions. I’m afraid I still won’t finish the damn novel that has been sitting on top of me for almost twenty years, and I’m afraid I won’t be true to the vision of it that has evolved in my head. I’m afraid of disappointing myself. I’m afraid of looking like a fool, putting myself out there and it turning out not to be anything significant, despite my thinking that it is. I’m afraid of the process of finding the right audience for what I write. I’m afraid of being photographed and interviewed. I’m afraid of the limelight. I’m afraid people will laugh at me. I’m afraid of my ignorance. I’m afraid I won’t finish.

New Beliefs:

“It’s OKAY to be scared. Being scared means you’re about to do something really, really brave.” ― Mandy Hale

“There is no illusion greater than fear.” ― Lao Tzu

“Fear can make a moth seem the size of a bull elephant.” ― Stephen Richards

“Fear is a powerful enemy, but not one too strong to overcome.” ― Kiley Kellermeyer

“The fear of taking a shot at anything in life, lives in the fact that there are no guaranteed outcomes and this notion sadly, paralyzes so many from ever taking a chance, because they can never be certain enough. It’s important to understand that the fear will always be there, that’s what makes us humans, and those of us that end up leading successful and fulfilled lives have just learned to better tame and dance with that fear more than others.” ― Chris Hill

“Scars are your greatest medals in life.” ― Matshona Dhliwayo

“One challenge at a time, I try to turn into the face of fear and tell it “you are not my master, you are the product of myself and I am your master.” I look into the monster’s eyes until it disappears. Then I am free.” ― Rohvannyn Shaw

“Fear echoes your self-defined limitations, not your actual ones. To change your self-image, you must face what scares you.” ― Vironika Tugaleva

“Don’t be fearless, but tame your fears, and stop at nothing.” ― Abhijit Naskar

“Our most beautiful dreams are born from our most unpleasant nightmares.” ― Matshona Dhliwayo

“Sometimes it’s like: If something terrifies you, you should totally do it BECAUSE it terrifies you. And then you’ll do it and you’ll realize what you’re capable of.” ― Jonathan Saccone-Joly

“We must be willing to fall flat on our faces. Fearlessly putting ourselves out there is simply a required part of the process. At the very least, it results in the gift of humility and, at best, the triumph of our human spirit.” ― Jill Badonsky

“Failing over and over again is how you learn to succeed over and over again.” ― Matshona Dhliwayo

“What you fear is what you must conquer.” ― Lailah Gifty Akita

“When you eat too much chocolate, you get sick of it.
When you drink too much champagne, you get sick of it.
Gorge yourself on fear.” ― Khang Kijarro Nguyen

“If your dreams don’t scare you, they are not big enough.” ― Lorde

“Adjusting our mindset for success is always at least half the battle. In the case of overcoming our fears, rather than being overcome by them, – it is 99% a war waged in our own head.” ― Connie Kerbs

“’Fear is the original sin,’ suddenly said a still, small voice away back—back—back of Valancy’s consciousness. ‘Almost all the evil in the world has its origin in the fact that someone is afraid of something.’
“Valancy stood up. She was still in the clutches of fear, but her soul was her own again. She would not be false to that inner voice.” ― L.M. Montgomery, The Blue Castle

“Only by fully experiencing fear, can you ever hope to control it.” ― Wayne Gerard Trotman

“If we let fear control our decision making we always make the wrong decision.” ― Butch Bellah

My Skinny Kitchen

One of the things I’ve decided to do is to make my kitchen one that supports my lower weight maintenance. If I plan to keep my weight in check, I can’t fill the house with foods that won’t support that goal. At least, if I don’t have foods in my house that tempt me to overeat, or eat foods that don’t support good health, I will at last have to go out, in order to get treats. I don’t mean to do without treats forever after, but I do mean to plan for them.

I will have staples that can be turned into quick combinations: bagged salad, tomatoes, cucumbers, deli rotisserie chicken or smoked turkey, frozen Japanese vegetables, and teriyaki or sesame-ginger tofu. That last thing might not be something you want, but I was surprised about how good it really is! If I stir-fry those Japanese vegetables in a bit of sesame oil, stir in the tofu, and serve them over a bed of brown rice, it’s something that really satisfies me.

One thing that I learned during my weight loss journey is that my freezer is my friend.  There’s no quicker fresh meal than stir-fry, as long as I stock lean protein (like chicken breast strips, shrimp, tofu, and lean flank steak) in the freezer. I just let it defrost in the fridge while I’m at work, then toss in some fresh or frozen veggies when I get home.

When I can find a little extra time on the weekend, I make a batch of meatballs or meatloaf or veggie chili, and freeze in individually portioned containers.

If I’ve got leftovers? I’m halfway to a fresh, fast dinner. I improvise all the time. My family calls it “Maryann Surprise” when I make a casserole out of whatever carbohydrate (usually pasta or rice), protein (usually cooked chicken), and vegetables (always onions, and often carrots) happen to be in the refrigerator, pantry, and freezer, mix it up with some herbs, and throw it into the oven. I put turkey on top of a salad, or chop up boiled eggs I always keep in the refrigerator, to make egg salad. I lower the fat by  using just 1 teaspoon of mayo, and pump up the flavor with capers. Sometimes I use yesterday’s broccoli in an omelette or light frittata.

I signed up for some random emails from sites that send recipes. If they look good, I save them in a “Recipes” file in my email, and if they don’t, I just delete them. I just got one a couple of days ago from Better Homes and Gardens entitled, “100+ Ways With Chicken: So Much More Than Plain Ol’ Grilled,” for example. There were a couple that looked like they’d be worth trying.

And I recently discovered that just about any meat tastes better when it’s baked in hot salsa. I guess that wouldn’t work for everyone, but it has been a great new trick for me. When I know I won’t be getting home from tutoring until six-thirty, I put the covered chicken and salsa in the oven and tell the oven to cook it for an hour at three hundred fifty degrees and turn itself off at six-thirty. When I walk in, all I have to do is open a bag of salad, throw on some of the pre-cut vegetables (think onions, celery, carrots) I usually have on hand, along with a couple of cherry or grape tomatoes, add a dash of dressing, and get the chicken out of the oven and onto my plate.

So, I guess it’s kind of like the weight loss journey, but not really. I mean, I know what my favorite recipes and tricks are, so I stick to them for the most part, but I also know that from time to time, I can actually splurge. I just can’t make it an everyday occurrence. And if I get too far afield, I have a plan in place.

I still haven’t bought that bathroom scale yet, but it’s coming.

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“It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations, if you live near him.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

“A goal without a plan is just a wish.”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

“By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.”
― Benjamin Franklin

“Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe.”
― Abraham Lincoln

“You can’t plow a field simply by turning it over in your mind.”
― Gordon B. Hinckley

 

 

Weight Loss Maintenance: the journey continues

April 12, 2017
I’ve heard that an incredible number of diets fail, and that even the ones that are successful find that almost everybody eventually regains lost weight. You’ve probably heard the same thing. I read an article yesterday, while I was doing more research into weight loss maintenance, that gave me hope. It turns out that medical doctor and research scientist at Penn State University’s Milton S. Hershey Medical Center, Christopher Sciamanna lost thirty pounds, and described maintaining his lower weight as “shockingly challenging,” but, with his colleagues, he studied weight loss management and subsequently figured out how to deal successfully with this challenge.
The researchers’ take-aways include acknowledging the fact that you need skills and practice different from the ones you used to lose the weight initially. Among them are finding a “new normal,” when the fatigue sets in. Clearly, you can’t go back to your old life, because that’s how you got to be overweight in the first place.
One thing I need to do differently is to weigh myself regularly and have a plan in place to deal with a minimal increase, to keep it from getting bigger. I talked about that yesterday. When I was heavier, I avoided the scale because I didn’t need the guilt and shame that went with such a big number. I think, though, having read about this necessity, I will have to invest in a good scale, and use it regularly. Maybe I can weigh myself after I water my plants on Saturday morning!
A second part of the solution is to plan your meals. The researchers found people who maintained with low-fat diets, low-carb diets, and well-balanced diets. Their conclusion is that you can maintain if you pick one and stick with it. Interestingly, the people they were studying generally ate the same things most of the time, but varied what they mixed with them. For example, grilled chicken salad tastes different with mixed greens and mustard vinaigrette than it does with spinach and raspberry vinaigrette. If you want to mix it up even more, add chopped vegetables to the first and sliced fruit to the second. You’re still having “a salad” for dinner. Consistent, but not boring. That will make my grocery shopping trips easier, too. I know that when I go to the market I need to have a list, but I find it tiresome to have to come up with a new one every time I shop for food. This will streamline that process, and keep me out of the “danger zones” that exist in the middle of the store, too.
The third part involves that list. Researchers allowed that it’s common sense, but also remarked that lots of people don’t do it.
They suggested also trying some of what they called “sustainable habits”:
* Drink a lot of water.
* Eat the same number of meals a day. If you mess with it, it disrupts your hunger cues and puts you at risk of eating stuff you’d typically avoid, or of overeating when you finally do eat.
* Include fruits, vegetables, and/or lean protein in every meal. Again, fiber-rich foods!
* Follow a consistent exercise routine. You don’t have to give it your all every time, but you do have to show up. They cite Alwyn Cosgrove, C.S.C.S., owner of Results Fitness in Santa Clarita, California, as suggesting you setting a monthly goal for workouts. If you tell yourself you’ll go 20 times, you’ll force yourself to do four or five workouts a week.
* Think like a winner. The latest research from the Penn State team shows a major attitude adjustment among people who win at permanent weight loss. Once you’ve lost the weight, it’s no longer strictly about depriving yourself. Now, you can reward yourself. Occasionally (OCCASIONALLY!) give in to temptation. Be sure regularly to remind yourself why you need to stay vigilant. A “before” photo on the refrigerator, if you have one, should work. Otherwise, rehearse before and after feelings to remind yourself! Or go to the mall to observe. Isn’t it nice to know you’re no longer a member of that overweight herd? A friend took a picture of me after I’d lost most of my weight. Every time I look at it, or even remember looking at it, it gives me a confidence boost.
I guess my major tasks for right now are buying a scale, planning my “generic” menu, and trying to convince myself it’s sufficiently important for me to walk twenty times in the next thirty days that I’ll commit to it. If I liked exercise, I wouldn’t have been overweight, either, I suspect. Wish me luck!

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“Your true power is not in your difference, but in your consistency of being different. The world will always adjust to consistency, yet struggle with change.”
Shannon L. Adler

“Character, simply stated, is doing what you say you’re going to do.”  Hyrum W. Smith

“Consistency. Clarity. Courage. I like to stand for consistency, clarity and courage in my thoughts, words, and actions.” Sharad Vivek Sagar

“It’s not what we do once—it’s what we do once a day…day in and day out…every day that brings lasting change into our lives.” Toni Sorenson

“The harder the struggle, the bigger the gain. The important thing is to stick with it, repetitively and consistently.” Mara Schiavocampo

Maintaining my weight loss

I am writing about the struggle I’m having with maintaining my weight at a lower level. The biggest problem with weight loss–both for me and for other people–seems to be the maintenance. I wonder why so few people are able to do it?
What are my problems with it?
One is that I am sick of tracking every morsel of food that goes into my mouth. For a week and a half or so, I just wasn’t having it.
A second problem is related to someone’s reaction to my weight gain of four pounds. I got no compassion or empathy, and that was also a trigger. I had a bad case of cutting off my nose to spite my face. I reacted to criticism over a weight gain of two pounds by gaining two more.
Self-discovery is clearly one component of this whole thing. I have to get to know what does and what does not work for me in the “real world,” after the weight is lost and I am no longer focused on the losing part of it.
What’s my “Why?” Mostly, I don’t want to be a burden to my family when I can no longer move myself around where I need to be. I know it was no fun trying to get my mother up off the floor when she was down and weighed so much. I don’t want to do that to anyone else. It’s the same mindset as I have about leaving a hoard of stuff behind for someone else to have to deal with after I’m dead. I resented my mother’s doing that to me, and my sister’s unwillingness to help me. It’s just not personally responsible, and not very considerate. I guess a lot of this has to do with taking personal responsibility and telling myself the truth. I didn’t have very good role models for that, so it doesn’t come naturally to me.
I did some research about maintaining a weight loss, and found a bucketful of suggestions. I haven’t yet decided which ones I will implement, but one important thing I hadn’t really thought about before is that, according to the experts, maintaining weight loss takes a different approach than losing the weight. Once you’ve lost the weight, it’s not all about the food anymore. I found an informative article on WebMD. To be successful at keeping off the weight, you have to do several important things:
* Take the time to decide what’s really important, and figure out how your weight ties into that.
* Prize exercise. If you don’t want to walk an hour a day, break it up, or find some other activity that you enjoy doing. But know that to maintain weight loss, physical activity is an absolute must, according to James O. Hill, PhD, co-founder of the National Weight Control Registry. The Registry is a national database of more than 10,000 people who have lost an average of 66 pounds and kept it off an average of 5.5 years.
* Learn new ways to handle your emotions. Experiment to find things that work for you. Some ideas: Get into your garden, go for a walk, torch stress (and calories) with a serious workout, do yoga to chill out, or connect with a friend. Consider seeing a counselor who has experience working with people to overcome their emotional eating.
* Don’t go it alone. Find support, so you stay accountable.
* Limit your screen time. It’s very easy to overeat when you’re in front of a screen. An interesting statistic: The average American watches 28 hours of TV per week, but 62% of people in the National Weight Control Registry, who have all lost 30 pounds or more and kept it off for at least a year, watch 10 or fewer hours per week.
* Step on the scale often, and have a plan for what to do if your weight is above your goal by a couple of pounds. Take action promptly when you see the numbers start to climb, maybe by decreasing portion sizes or skipping dessert more often.
* Eat a breakfast consisting of something that gives you nutrients, not empty calories. It helps to set the tone for the rest of the day.
* Bulk up on fiber. It helps you to feel full. You get it from plant foods like vegetables, fruits, whole grains, beans, nuts, and legumes. People who eat plenty of fiber — and who also get regular physical activity, eat fewer calories, and track their progress (such as by weighing themselves regularly or wearing a pedometer) — are more likely to succeed at long-term weight maintenance.
* Keep getting back on the wagon. Stuff happens. The trick is to get back on track as soon as you can. Learn from it. Don’t see it as a failure. You can move on from setbacks. Maintenance is a marathon, not a sprint.

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“A strong positive attitude will create more miracles than any wonder drug.” ~Patricia Neal

“The greatest revolution of our generation is the discovery that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.” ~William James

“The world of achievement has always belonged to the optimist.” ~J. Harold Wilkins

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” ~Wayne Dyer

“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.” ~Thomas Jefferson